Theme: Danger
Original Introduction
It was a balmy day and the water looked as
smooth as glass except for the occasional ripples. Jay intended to explore the river behind
his grandmother’s house.
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Writing Techniques: Senses (sound, smell,
sight, taste, touch), Appearance + Dressing, Thoughts and Feelings, Hook
It was a balmy day. (2-3
details on how you think a balmy day looks like) Birds were chirping
melodiously on the gnarled tree branches. Butterflies were already busy
fluttering around collecting nectar. The smell of the colourful flowers lingered
in the air. Jay was making his way
to the river bank. His lanky (appearance) legs thumped on the dead
leaves, making them crackle. He smiled (facial expression) as he gazed
(do not use ‘see’) at the river. The greenish (color) water looked as smooth as glass (simile)
except for the occasional ripples. Exuberance (feeling) bubbled in him when he spotted (do not use
‘see’) a boat beside the river bank. It was going to be a day of adventure. Little did he know
that great danger was
looming nearby...
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Original Conclusion
Suddenly,
while Jay was struggling, the whole boat capsized. Without
hesitation, the crocodile immediately attacked Jay’s right leg trying to pull
him down into the water. After
that, no one knew where Jay was.
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Revised Climax and
Close
The crocodile gave the
boat a massive slap with its humongous tail. The impact was so powerful
that the boat overturned and Jay flew off the boat and splashed into the water. (BODY) Jay was
choked by the water that rushed into his mouth and nostrils. Being a
lousy swimmer without a life jacket, he struggled for air. As if that was
not bad enough (THOUGHT), the crocodile lunged (vivid verb) towards him and opened his
gigantic jaws wide. Lines of razor-sharp teeth glinted in the sun.
With a loud snap, Jay’s right leg was completely ripped off. Blood
immediately turned the river crimson red. After a struggle, the splashes and
ripples soon turned feeble and became no more.
The day turned dark and dreary. The birds no longer sang. The butterflies hid themselves. The smell of death rose like vapour from the ground. The greenish water looked as smooth as glass once more. No one knew where Jay was.
The day turned dark and dreary. The birds no longer sang. The butterflies hid themselves. The smell of death rose like vapour from the ground. The greenish water looked as smooth as glass once more. No one knew where Jay was.
The river awaits its next victim. (Implied Theme)
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