Courage

Read the red-coloured composition and the green-coloured one and think which is better and why it is so.

It was a silent and warm night, as usual. John was tossing and turning in bed as the heat was unbearable.

The overbearing heat of the still (sound) night threatened (personification) to cause John to (how) suffer another sleepless night. He was disturbed (feeling)(why) by the sound of his own heavy breathing (sound) as well as the drone of the whirring fan (sound)  at the foot of his bed (where).

(Transition is too abrupt.) Suddenly, in the still of the night, John heard someone shouting, “Help! Help!”

When he stared at the carbon (colour) sky, he noticed a flash of forked lightning (sight) and a great clap of thunder (sound) which signalled possible reprieve (thought) from the unforgiving (personification) heat. Just as John was indulging in deep thought (thought), he abruptly snapped (vivid verb) out of his reverie when an almost incoherent scream(sound) of “Help! Help!” pierced (metaphor, vivid verb) through the initially serene (feeling) neighbourhood.

Instinctively, he got out of bed and looked out of the window, trying to find out who was in trouble.

Once he had managed to surmise the severity of the situation (thought), John jolted (vivid verb) out of bed and peered (vivid verb) anxiously (feeling) out of the window. The view in front of his eyes robbed (personification) him of speech (show “shocked” behaviour, not tell).

In the distance, across the main road, John saw (off-limit word)  a flat bursting in flames

A flat in the block opposite his was engulfed (vivid verb) in ferocious (feeling) flames. Billowing clouds of thick smoke enveloped the surroundings (details),

and the residents in the flat trying hard to put out the fire but to no avail. He saw a man, a woman, and a child.

such that John could barely see the trapped residents in the burning inferno. The man was waving frantically (feeling) while the woman was desperately (feeling) trying to shield (vivid verb) their child from the onslaught of the menacing(feeling) blaze that was threatening (vivid verb)  to char (vivid verb) them alive (thought).

Scared but brave, John picked up the phone and dialled for the fire brigade.

After John had regained composure, he instinctively called the fire brigade for help.

After that, he dashed out of the house and hurried to the burning flat. By this time, his actions had disturbed his family members’ slumber and they too found out about the fire. Following John, they all rushed over to the burning flat. (nothing to do with the story)

Immediately after, he darted (vivid verb) out of house and sprinted (vivid verb) towards the conflagration. It was a race against time (thought) for the victims and a challenge for John – he knew that he had to do something, even if it meant risking his life  (thought).

When they arrived, a small crowd of curious onlookers had gathered at the field next to the block of flats.

By the time he arrived at the scene, a huge crowd had gathered at the field opposite the blazing flat – some were harassed (feeling) and panic-stricken (feeling)residents who had escaped from their flat unscathed, some were curious(feeling) onlookers who were more interested (feeling) in the night entertainment while the rest were fervently (feeling)trying to douse (vivid verb)the fire. (details of types of people)

John, without hesitation, ran upstairs to the flat and knocked the door down with all his might. The fire was burning hot yet John bravely dashed in to save the people. The flames almost burnt John alive but he did not give up.

John wasted no time (thought)– he rushed to the entrance of the flat, only to notice that the main door was bolted (problem)and the scorching heat (problem) radiating from the flat posed great difficulty (thought)for John. Yet John, without consideration for his life (thought), kicked (vivid verb) down the door with all his might.

First, he opened the way for the man and woman to leave. Next, he grabbed the child in his arms and dashed out of the burning flat. (many ‘hows’ and missing)

While he was attempting to crouch (vivid verb) low as he made his way towards the screaming (sound, feeling)  trio, John was met with a deafening (sound) explosion (problem) that rocked (touch) the building and threw (vivid verb)  John to the floor. Loud cries (sound, feeling) followed. Undaunted (thought) though filled with trepidation (feeling), John crawled (vivid verb) under the canopy of the billowing (sight) smoke (smell) towards the family. Unfortunately, John’s right arm was severely burnt (vivid verb) by the intense  flames (sight, problem) and his eyes teared (vivid verb) continuously from the sting (touch) of the smoke. Yet, this teenage hero’s unflagging determination (thought) to save the helpless family spurred him on (thought), despite his life-threatening injuries. Once he had reached the desperate (feeling) residents, he grabbed (vivid verb) the crying child from her mother and led the reluctant (feeling) family out of the hellhole (feeling). All of them ambled (vivid verb) their way to safety as the thick smoke choked (smell) and temporarily blinded  (vivid verb) them.

Leaving behind the thick smoke, all of them managed to escape the crisis and reached safe ground.

The moment the group emerged from the impenetrable column of smoke (sight), the crowd cheered (feeling) uncontrollably for the unlikely hero. John whimpered (sound), “Take the child” before gently putting the inconsolable (feeling) child down and collapsing (vivid verb)  to the ground when his feet felt the safety (metaphor) of the grass. Even the wail of sirens of fire engines and ambulances (sound)could not rouse (vivid verb) John from his unconsciousness.

By then, the ambulance and fire engine had arrived. The firemen quickly put out the fire and the ambulance fetched the people to the hospital. John coughed as the smoke had choked him. However, the crowd cheered as John had been a courageous young man.

The paramedics were quick in attending to the victims while the firemen hosed (vivid verb)  the fire down as the police cordoned (vivid verb) off the area. As if aided (vivid verb)  by the heavens (personification), just then, a curtain of rain pelted (vivid verb) from the skies and eventually extinguished (vivid verb) the intimidating raging (feeling)  monster (metaphor, link to the first paragraph). As day broke (vivid verb), the chaotic  (feeling) situation returned to normalcy.

The next day, the headlines of the local paper wrote: “Brave Teen Saves Lives” and showed a picture of John. John’s family was very proud of him.

The next day, the headlines of the local paper flashed: “Brave Teen Saves Lives”. Even though John suffered second-degree burns which required skin-grafting, John had no regrets (thought) for having plucked up his courage (feeling) to save lives. John’s bravery made him a local hero and a role model for his contemporaries

Source: http://writerite.wordpress.com/category/o-level-english-essay-writing-skills/